1989-08-30 - Underground Tour
Ladies and Gentlemen, the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Disorientation Precision Marching 5000.
J. Adam Grais, Crew Chief
J. Lyle Zmskind, Boundary Breaker
J. A. Bartlett Giammatti, grounded out and pushing up astroturf, and
J. Pete Rose, New Commissioner of Baseball
and featuring garbage bags all over the walls of Ferris Booth Hall (FBH never looked so good), freshmen entering their first years and first years entering their first freshmen, four more days of Orientation, and more jokes about buildings and food. The Band proudly presents a Cecil B. deMille musical extravaganza and a "behind the scenes" glimpse of the Columbia the admissions office never dared or cared to tell you about.
[BAND TO HAMILTON, playing "Who Owns," both verses]
Hamilton:
This is Hamilton Hall where a protest a few years back found Columbia in a double moral dilemma after a financial disclosure form revealed that the university owned stock in a prophylactic company with holdings in South Africa. Many students expressed outrage, and demanded that Columbia PULL OUT before matters COME to a CLIMAX. President Sovern termed it a particularly STICKY situation, and maintained that the students had no CONCEPTION of the enormity of the issues IN HAND. He then went on to call the protest a deception, a veritable TROJAN horse --- how can the student have sincere empathy with South Africans, given their own SHEIK upper-west-side life styles. The Trustees were careful not to bring this matter to the attention of South African College Dean Leora Netter, fearing that it might RUBBER the wrong way. How much more of this RIBBING can you take? Will you allow the band to continually RAMSES jokes down your throats? Well, before you start foaming at the mouth, the band will play (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO WALLACH/JAY]
Wallach:
This building is Wallach Hall. It used to be named Livingston Hall after Robert Livingston who signed his name to the constitution. Now it is named after Ira Wallach who signed his name to a 3 million dollar check.
John Jay:
In yet another example of the constant change on our campus, Donald Trump recently purchased this building, John Jay Hall and has already renovated all the floors to the point where they can be used as dormitory housing. This event, too, was marred by protests, however, as long-time residents of the building complained, calling the move just another attempt by the university to gentrify a slum into a residential area. When the Administration failed to respond, though, the cockroaches actually took to the streets in a dramatic show of force to demonstrate their resistance to people actually moving in.
In honor of these two great renovators, the band will now play: Big Spender
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO FBH]
FBH:
Over there is Ferris Booth Hall. We were going to write a joke about it, but now that you've been inside, it's just not necessary. Attached to FBH, however, is the also newly renovated Columbia Bookstore, which has become the object of intense study as a large blue chunk of debris from the Space Shuttle Challenger was recently discovered clinging to the Broadway side of the building. Scientists are at a loss as to the source of the fragment's mysterious unearthly glow.
[BAND MOVES TO JOURNALISM, playing "Roar, Lion" (and other verses)]
Journalism:
This is the journalism building which was built by Joseph Pulitzer, who apparently gave enough money to build the building, but not enough to get it named after himself.
Columbia's most recent successful athlete, Lou Gehrig, used to play baseball on a field that was located where John Jay now stands before he moved to the Bronx. Legend has it the Lou Gehrig hit a home run and broke this (band points to various windows) window in the journalism building.
To commemorate this historic event --- and since the band doesn't have a good lead-in line written --- we now play one of our favorites: Wipe Out
[BAND DOES THIS AND MOVES TO DODGE]
[soap to be dumped into fountains accompanied by Mr. Bubble theme if there is water]
Dodge:
We now come to Dodge Hall, home of the music department and some of Columbia's finest musicians --- as well as a few members of the Marching Band. This building, however, is not devoted entirely to music --- it also houses several modern composers. {Wait}
This building also houses the film school which is chaired by Milos Foreman who, as you may recall, directed the Academy Award winning film Amadeus. Some critics have described the film which depicts the rivalry between Mozart and Sallieri as a brilliant portrayal of a battle between two artists. Others consider it merely a case of pianist envy.
In honor of conceptual art, the band now performs the Stars on 45 version of John Cage's compelling work 4'33".
[BAND STANDS AROUND AND DOES NOTHING THEN MOVES TO "that sinking ship"]
This is Barnard College.
[Band recrosses street to "Who Owns"]
Earl Hall:
This is Earl Hall. It houses many of the organizations that FBH refuses to, such as religious and political groups. In recent years, FBH has tried to push the Marching Band into Earl Hall, but there's no way we want to be stuck with a bunch of wierdo, liberal, pinko, arch-conservative, Fundamentalist, liberal, whale-saving, seal-loving, pablum puking, homosexual, bisexual, transexual, liberal, white supremacist, black power, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Muslim, agnostic, liberal, first year, baby-killing right-to-lifers. In honor of the diversity and multi-culturalism of the building whose different member organizations argue, respectively, that fur is murder and tight black leather is sexy the band now plays the theme songs of two Earl Hall groups:
[Band plays Roar, Zion and Roar, Arabs, then moves to Uris]
Uris:
This is Uris Hall, the home of the Graduate School of Business. The building is said to represent the economic realities of the business world because it looks like a cheap Japanese transistor radio and the sculpture in front of it depicts a bent paper clip.
BAND MOVES TO AVERY
Avery:
This is Avery Hall, home of the school of architecture, which is widely known as one of the best architecture schools in the country. Needless to say, very few buildings on this campus were designed by Columbia graduates. The band would now like to play, for no apparent reason: Tequila
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO EAST CAMPUS]
{on the way the band turns the tooth
-Reader: "What time is it boys and girls?"
-Band: "It's time to turn the tooth!"}
East Campus:
This is East Campus. It is frequently called the ugliest building in northern Manhattan because it bears a striking resemblance to a bathroom wall. It has been projected that the unaided destruction of East Campus, notice the protective scaffolding, will be completed some time in the next 4 years. It is said that if you're studying in your room late at night and you're very quiet you can hear another brick fall.
In honor of this slow disintegration, the band would like to play Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall. However, since we can't do that and we never have been able to do that, the band will now play for the 1993rd consecutive time: I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO FRONT OF LAW]
Law:
This is Columbia Law School. The sculpture in front of you is called "Bellerephon Taming Pegasus," but it is more popularly known as "Pegasus giving Birth To Bellerephon."
Ironically, under a recent supreme court ruling, what is depicted here is against the law in 14 states, so kids, don't try this at home.
[BAND PLAYS RAW, EAT IT RAW THEN MOVES TO LOW PLAZA]
Low Library:
This is Low Library, the administrative headquarters and nerve center of the university. Notice that the dome of the building bears a striking resemblance to President Sovern's head. A few years ago there was a controversy over a Christmas nativity scene that some students wanted to erect on Low Plaza. The Trustees overruled the plan saying that they did not want to break tradition by allowing wise men anywhere near Low Library.
Well, there you have it. Columbia --- an eccentric little place. It has a sundial that doesn't tell time, a marching band that doesn't march. a library that isn't really a library which houses an administration that doesn't really... Well, you get the idea. One final tradition that should be mentioned relates to this statue. It is said that anyone who can find the owl in Alma Mater will join the band. Thus, we leave you with one final song and a small hint...
[BAND POINTS TO OWL THEN PLAYS
Stand Up and Cheer and Sans Souci]
"Run Away"